The Relationship Alphabet by Zach Brittle

Author:Zach Brittle
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2015-07-18T00:00:00+00:00

O

O is for Opportunity

Whenever I work with pre-marital couples, we spend a fair bit of time pondering what a marriage actually is. Is it a social contract? A political statement? A business agreement? A holy sacrament? All of the above? We explore whether marriage is a right, a privilege, a gift, a responsibility, a burden—there’s a reason the ball-and-chain metaphor exists. Mostly, we work on exposing the attitudes, biases, and expectations for the relationship. And while everyone should at the very least understand that marriage is complicated, I would say that marriage is, above all, an opportunity.

Dr. Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse alludes to a prophecy in the book of Revelation—the last book of the Bible. But there’s some ancient wisdom from the first book of the Bible as well. In the book of Genesis, Adam and Eve go through a bit of pre-marital counseling, wherein God explains the opportunities inherent in marriage. He defines marriage to be when “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24 NIV)

Leaving theology and gender issues aside for the moment, let’s take a look at the wisdom in this definition:

1. Leave Home: One of the reasons that Dr. Gottman’s Sound Relationship House metaphor is so effective is that it implies a structure that belongs to you and your spouse alone. Every structure needs sturdy walls, and the only way to build a Sound Relationship House together is to ensure that you’ve constructed healthy boundaries around your relationship. This starts with Mom and Dad.

Now, I’m not advising that you shut yourselves off from your parents as soon as the vows are over. But marriage is an opportunity to declare that someone else is taking the role of “the man in your life” (or the woman, of course), and to arrange your life, attention, and priorities accordingly. It’s tough to “leave” your mother and father, especially if they are good, attentive parents who have loved and supported you throughout your life. I’ve actually found it can be more difficult to leave parents who were less than perfect or even harmful. But either way, it’s critical to creating a strong, new family that’s built upon the values you and your spouse cherish.

Leaving home isn’t just about your parents. It also includes your old boyfriends and girlfriends. Maybe the band you were in during college. Maybe the fact that you usually spend every Saturday with your sister. It could be the actual physical structures that you are living in. Shirley Glass has famously noted that the healthiest relationships happen when partners keep a window open between each other while erecting walls that protect their privacy from the outside world.1 Relationships get in trouble when walls and windows reverse and boundaries become unclear. Think of your marriage as an opportunity to draw healthy boundaries and build a strong foundation for your very own home.

2. Seek Unity: Most of us want to find a compatible partner, someone who also likes chocolate and Ghostbusters and long walks on the beach.

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